Relationship Offsides by Jason Hernandez
Relationship Offsides
Have you ever felt like you’ve crossed a line in your relationship that didn’t seem like it was there a few moments ago? I often relate this experience to soccer’s rule of "offsides". It’s similar to being “out of bounds”, but the most relevant part is that this line is constantly moving. Imagine how frustrating it would be to believe you are making all the right decisions and then suddenly, someone blows the whistle, and you are told you made a mistake or you’re at fault. This moment can be very surprising, leading to defensive behaviors, and resulting in disconnection.
When you find this happening over and over again in a relationship, feelings of frustration are understandable. Underneath that frustration, we often experience some kind of hurt, insecurity, or doubt. Why do I feel punished? Why do I feel misunderstood? Why do I feel unheard? To get out of this mindset, it’s critical to refocus. Ask yourself, “How do I want to feel in this relationship?” If you and your partner are on opposing teams or one of you is referee while the other is out on the field, a return to being partners on the same team is the goal.
When you’re on the same team, you get to look at relationship problems from new perspectives and get curious. Ask gentle and non-judgemental questions about the lines that are crossed. What feelings come up when this line is crossed? Was this line an agreement made in partnership or a rule imposed without room to say no? What are either of us contributing to the situation that makes it feel like the line is moving? When times of introspection move away from judgment (offense) or protecting hurts (defense), there is more room to incorporate the values and goals of the relationship, make decisions in partnership, develop consensual agreements, and play on the same team.
As easy as I might make that sound, it may be difficult when you are doing it alone. Experiences of disconnection can be incredibly painful and dysregulating. It may be a challenge to find common language and put down the protective strategies that lead to the “off sides penalty”. In my practice as a relationship counselor, I work with partners to develop trust and mutually understood language in session. At home, partners are encouraged to make intentional time, free of devices, kids, and stressors to review relationship goals, agreements, what’s working and what’s not working. We explore resources that support individual and relationship growth, community support, books, videos, and workbooks. The great thing about relationships is that we have a teammate, a partner, so that we do not have to experience the highs and lows of life alone. Disconnection can have many narratives, but a narrative of connection says, “I am here with you. You are not alone with this feeling. You are safe with me.”
