The Trans Partner Journey
by Tonya Keith
Until my journey began, I had not contemplated the impact on a partner when someone transitions. I had focused solely on the experience of the person transitioning and the magnitude of what it meant to transition. I have come to learn this is also the experience of many other people. The impact to the partner of some who is transitioning is deep and profound. It changes many aspects not only of their current life, but their memories and perspectives of past experiences.
When I met the person who would become my spouse, I firmly identified as a lesbian. For me, that label was not only an identity. It held my community. It held safety. It held a level of authenticity I had fought hard to achieve. At the time, he identified as a woman, and although he was femme-presenting, his energy was always masculine. We spent the first year of our relationship getting to know each other and building our relationship foundation. Exactly 2 weeks before our 1-year anniversary, it happened. We were sitting by the pool, feet in the water, waiting on burgers to cook on the grill. He casually looked over at me and said, “I think I am going to transition”. Then he casually got up and went to check on the burgers. That was it. That was the whole discussion.
I began my trans partner journey thinking I was well prepared, but I was wholly unprepared for many parts of the journey. I remember thinking that being a sex educator and having relationships with trans partners previously “qualified” me for this adventure. To say I was incorrect was an understatement. I needed more education. I needed support. I needed someone who understood my journey. It took two years for me to find someone to talk to, someone to support my journey. By that time, I was drowning in grief, unresolved trauma, guilt, and sadness. My goal in sharing my story with you is to bring awareness to the trans partner experience so you know you are not alone. It is to provide resources so you are supported in your journey.
The trans partner experience is different for everyone. Different areas will be more or less difficult based on your own lived experience and some areas won’t impact you at all. There are some more common things that come up for people in this journey. They are below.
Changes to your own sexual identity
Coming out to family, friends, coworkers, and others
Coming out to small children, their teachers, and daycare workers
Changes to pronouns, present and past
Requests to destroy photos
Puberty, for the 2nd time.
New physical appearance and clothing
New names for genitals
Physical changes to the body
Changes to body hair
Changes to gender roles in the relationship
Ongoing changes to the way a partner wants to receive pleasure and be touched
Changes to the way you experience sex together
The ongoing emotional impact of the transition
Unresolved trauma that may come up for either or both of you as part of the transition
While supporting a partner through a transition can be difficult, it can also be a beautiful experience to watch someone outwardly become who they have been inside since birth.
The trust they place in us to support them through the transition is a gift.
As trans partners, we get opportunities to explore parts of ourselves and our relationships that support growth and evolution. We have opportunities to improve upon our communication skills to more clearly communicate with each other.
We have opportunities to redefine pleasure, intimacy, and sex within our relationship. That includes trying new things, discussing how we want to touch and be touched, and exploring what pleasure and intimacy look outside of sex. Not only do we get to redefine pleasure with our partners, but it is an opportunity to define or redefine pleasure for ourselves. It is an opportunity to explore how you want to touch and be touched, what gives you pleasure, and to communicate that with your partner.
If you are supporting someone through a transition, your experience is valid. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and compassion in your journey. Below are some resources.
Resources:
Books
Support and Processing Groups
Modern Path Trans Partner Support Group - I ultimately created the processing group I needed so no one else had to go through their journey alone. For more information on the Trans partner Processing Group, reach out to tkeith@modernpath.net
Additional Support
All team members at Modern Path are affirming of the trans experience and the trans partner experience. If you need support as an individual, couple, or polycule, we are here to help.