Doing it for Attention by Elliott Glenn Hutchinson, MA
“Oh don’t worry about them, they’re just doing that to get attention” is a phrase I have heard many times, in many different ways. And it is a phrase I have come to intensely dislike.
I recently saw a social media post from lived-experience educator Sonny Jane (who wrote The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills) that said “Propaganda about personality disorders that I’m not falling for: ‘attention seeking,’” and I have not been able to shake that from my mind.
I became a parent last year. All of my baby's social behaviors are designed to accomplish one simple task, ingrained in his brain (and mine) to keep him alive: get my attention. His cries are to get my attention to let me know something is wrong or he needs something. His laughter is to get my attention so that my brain fires off oxytocin and I find his company enjoyable. His babbles and coos and squeals get my attention to let me know he’s healthy and practicing talking.
All of his behavior is designed to get my attention. And there is nothing wrong with that, at all. And this will remain true for the rest of his life.
So why do we so often shame young children and teenagers for engaging in “attention seeking behavior?” Why does society look at a young person, label them as “acting out” and then dismiss them by saying “Oh they’re just doing that to get attention?” Because, yes! We do these things to get attention! Because that is exactly what we are needing at that moment: attention. As humans, of any and all ages, we engage in attention seeking behaviors because some part of us is not being seen by those around us. Some part of us is being ignored, silenced, exiled, forgotten, shunned, shamed, guilted…you name it. And that part desperately needs true, loving, affirming attention.
As a mental health counselor, when I hear a client saying this about themselves or repeating it because it was told to them by someone else, I immediately hear a part of them calling out for connection and visibility. In IFS we call this a trailhead. I would say to a client “Ok, so a part of you did something to get attention. What if they needed that attention, and still need it now? What if we got close to that part and gave them that attention they were seeking?”
What could change within you if you sat with and offered attention to the parts of you that were dismissed and told they weren’t worth the attention?
Interested in the workbook Elliott suggested? Find it here!
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